Secrets of Married Men

by Scott Haltzman, M.D.

Relationship experts and students of evolutionary biology argue that women are endowed with superior skills for managing relational dynamics. But let’s take a look at that proposal more carefully. Can men also be masters of relationship skills?

We know men can master skills in the sciences, literature and leadership, as is shown annually by the Nobel Prize ceremony, where men dominate these fields. Men also have demonstrated excellence in disciplines from architecture to culinary arts.

Is it such a leap of logic, then, to think they can master relationship skills as well? My experience as a marriage therapist tells me that men have a wonderful aptitude at making relationships last. Having a man’s brain – and a man’s problem-solving talents – is an asset, not a liability, for committed relationships.

The secret is getting men to understand just how good they can be in this arena.

But let’s admit one thing from the start: Men don’t like working on relationships as much as women.

It is easy to cede marriage-maintenance skills to women. I, for one, would love to come home at the end of a workday and find my wife, Susan, has put all the pieces into place to make our relationship go smoothly. But Susan may have different ideas! I work on making the marriage better because I adore my wife, and want to do everything possible to fulfill her dreams. But it’s not easy.

Discontent and Divorce

Yet statistics tell a surprising story. Despite their marriage vows to stay together for better or for worse, women are more likely to react to marital unhappiness by leaving. Wives precipitate two-thirds to three-quarters of all divorces and separations. They are more likely to express discontent, raising 80 percent of all household arguments. Women are also more likely to criticize their spouses.

It’s understandable that women express discontent in the home, as women traditionally, and statistically, have rule of the roost. According to Steven Nock, author of Marriage in Men’s Lives, women do the bulk of housework and social planning. So they have the right to raise household concerns. But each complaint they lodge puts the ball in the husband’s court. Instinctually men shun these complaints by stonewalling or becoming defensive. When a husband responds by avoiding his wife, the quality of the marriage declines. The unsuccessful husband assumes his wife is a relationship expert, and reacts in kind to her harsh lead, thereby further contributing to marital discontent.

Mr. Fix-It

Statistics suggest that husbands can counter their wives’ discontent by becoming marriage experts themselves. John Gottman, Ph.D., discovered that successful marriages involve husbands who resist immediate negative reactions to their wives’ concerns. These men increase the odds of having a happy marriage by allowing themselves to accept the influence of their spouse. They recognize an opportunity to use their man skills to solve the problem. These husbands view marriage woes as they would any malfunctioning household item; they take it apart and try to fix it.

For too long the Mr. Fix-it role has been the object of derision among women. Therapists see men’s “tell-me-the-problem-and-I’ll-tell-you-a-solution” approach as being insensitive to deeper issues affecting the relationship. The bottom line message of popular culture is: the thing men are best at-problem solving-serves no role in relationships.

Nonsense.

That’s why I established a website and research base meant to honor men’s approach to relationships and celebrate the ways we make marriage work. At SecretsofMarriedMen.com, men contribute confidential insights into their marriage experiences. (Women are also invited to contribute.) I then compiled the information gathered on the site, and wrote The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife’s Heart Forever.

Sharing Secrets

The Secrets of Happily Married Men focuses on two kinds of secrets. One is the secret that a man keeps from his wife. Not the dark sultry secret of an affair or off-shore bank account, but rather a restraint in sharing the details of his day to day thoughts and actions with his wife – inside and outside of the marriage.

He may hide romance strategies (like the man who keeps notations in a Palm Pilot to send his wife flowers weekly) or feelings (of vulnerability or shame). These are things that men may have learned, over time, to keep to themselves for the benefit of the marriage. Bobby is a good example of such a man. Married for just three years, he states: “In the past I have shared things about my past family problems with an expectation that she would understand where I am coming from. The response is unsympathetic or an argument is thrown back at me. So quite apart from my natural tendency to be more reflective than talkative, I find I clam up.”

The Secrets of Happily Married Men also is about the secrets we men don’t tell each other. Victor, for example, describes mastering his relationship with his wife without support from other married guys. “Women want you to listen and understand, not solve the problem. I’m a married man of 14 years and a survivor of many verbal battles with the opposite sex. I never shared my survival techniques with anyone.”

Traditionally, men aren’t educated in relationship skills. It is a long held truism that men don’t buy relationship books. Men’s magazines, with few exceptions, avoid talk of relationships, reveling instead in the search for the perfect set of abs. Tightening our musculature, we are counseled, will ensure that nubile women will lust after us.

But what do we do once we marry them? Look at the periodicals and television directed to men – you won’t see much about how to be a successful married man. Committed relationships end up being quite a bit more complicated than Maxim would have you believe.

The Secrets of Happily Married Men advances beyond the conclusion that marital conflict is the norm. It helps men learn about marriage problems from each other, and it teaches men they can do something about it.

Dr. Scott Haltzman completed his psychiatric training and chief residency at Yale University. His Web site is www.secretsofmarriedmen.com.

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